It is difficult to relate to and help a person who has a problem with self-pity. First they may very well have had something happen to them that hurt them and our first response is to sympathize. However, when a person doesn’t get over a hurt that happen long ago and they are still rationalizing and justifying lashing out; then to sympathize only perpetuates the problem of self-pity. At some point a person has to end their victim mentality and take responsibility for their own behavior.
Knowing how to help someone take responsibility for getting over some hurt is key to helping a person who indulges in self-pity. One noted author said, "A sign of wisdom and maturity is when you come to terms with the realization that your decisions cause your rewards and consequences. You are responsible for your life, and your ultimate success depends on the choices you make. – Denis Waitley, author and coach.
Those words of wisdom are hard for a person plagued with self-pity because in many areas of their life they could be very responsible but in the areas of their life associated with a grudge they are not. So how do you get them to face the fact they need to take responsibility to get over the hurts of the past?
One way is to help them is to realize, “There is an expiration date on blaming your parents (or anyone else) for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.” ― J.K. Rowling. At some point in time a person has to make a decision to not allow what happened to have power over them for the rest of their life, they must take responsibility to take away the power from what is making their life miserable.
So how do you take responsibility and take away the power of a bad memory that keeps a person crippled and weak? “The power behind taking responsibility for your actions lies in putting an end to negative thought patterns. You no longer dwell on what went wrong or focus on whom you are going to blame. You don't waste time building roadblocks to your success. Instead, you are set free and can now focus on succeeding.” ― Lori Myers. To get free, “Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others,” said the wise man Confucius.
The power of forgiving those who hurt you is the best way to attack and destroy the evil powers of resentment, anger, jealousy, envy, and bitterness that sabotage happiness. You must resist the natural tendency to think the person who hurt you caused all your problems and they have to be held accountable. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.” There is no trouble caused by others that is near as powerful as the trouble we cause ourselves by reacting the wrong way. No amount of incrimination and exacting a pound of flesh will ever have the power to mend a wounded heart, only by forgiving, and doing good to the very ones who hurt you is a wounded heart healed.
Also help them to realize things go wrong in life for everyone and none us deserves happiness. Instead of indulging in self-pity which only leads to loneliness, despair, and depression; be thankful for what you have and what you can do. We all must work to earn what we have; whether that be material, emotional, or spiritual well being there is no free ride. we all have common everyday occurrences and forces that come our way that can make us unhappy or happy. It is not the occurrence and forces themselves but taking the responsibility to have a good attitude and choosing how we will respond that determine our happiness.
If past events trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt, jealousy, resentment, or any other negative feeling don't let them have power over you. Break their power and make them let go each and every time by forgiving all who have trespassed against you, doing good to those who mistreated you and praying for those who hurt you. It is the only way to break their power, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but until seventy times seven." If that be true for today it is true for the past and each and every day to come.
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