Solomon's Advice on Preventing Arguments

Here is some wisdom  Solomon gives us on how to prevent arguments. with a brief explanation on a few of his proverbs which may seem confusing but are not once they are explained.

 

Pro 13:10 argument only comes by pride, but wisdom is with those who take advice.

Pro 17:14 the beginning of strife is like the releasing of water, therefore leave off fighting before it breaks out.

 Pro 30:33 -Just as whipping milk produces butter, and twisting the nose causes bleeding, so also stirring up anger produces contention.

Pro 15:18 -The quickly angered man stirs up contention, but anyone who controls his temper calms a dispute.

Pro 26:4- Answer not a fool according to his foolishness, lest you become like him

Explanation:

“A fool can ask more than ten wise men can answer.” To bandy words with him, is to descend to his level. When you recognizes such questions or statements are foolish and can lead to an argument don't buy into them. When you do you are giving sanction to them as  being valid and places yourself on the same mental playing field of logic and reasoning as the fool.

Pro 26:5- Answer a fool according to his foolishness, that he not be wise in his own eyes.

Explanation:
At first it seems there is an  contradiction here between proverbs 26:4 and proverbs 26:5 but there isn't.  The negative means, we are not to debate with a fool in their style and spirit, and thus become like him. We are not to descend to his level of speech and temper and become entangled in arguments and debate. The fool although lacking wisdom is often a great debater.

The positive means is to answer with wisdom which draws the fool to a higher plain. Through a soft answer using knowledge skillfully which is to make knowledge (pleasant, acceptable, beautiful, cheerful, kind, happy and sweet) and tempering our response with love we are to answer him as his folly deserves.

Pro 15:1-2- A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  (2)  The tongue of the wise uses knowledge aright.

Pro 15:28-The heart of the righteous muses (ponders) how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Pro 15:23-What a joy it is to find just the right word for the right occasion!

Pro 16:21- The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increases learning.

Pro 16:23-The heart of the wise makes his mouth prudent, and he adds learning on his lips.

Pro 16:24- Pleasant words are an overflowing of honey, sweetness to the soul and healing to the bones.

Explanation:

 It may be by silence as well as speech one answers. Until one can respond in a wise manner and with a spirit controlled by love it is best to not respond.  A simple reply of, “Interesting, I’ll ponder it and get back after I’ve had some time to think about it.” Being humble and calm and saying you will consider a matter before you reply is better that speaking rashly.  It is always best to ponder your words in the light of God's wisdom  and give yourself time to develop the right spirit and choose your words carefully  before you speak. Sometimes you will conclude there is nothing you want to say or that no good can come of from a discussion. So you can reply something like, "I've considered the matter and concluded friends don't always have to agree on everything"

Pro 26:21- As coal to burning embers, and wood to fire, so is a contentious (quarrelling) man to kindle strife.

Pro 10:12 Hatred stirs up arguments but love covers all sins. Pro 28:25-He that is of a proud heart stirs up strife: but he that puts his trust in the LORD shall be made fat (prospers or is abundantly satisfied)

Explanation:
Even if both sides think they are presenting their disagreement in a civil manner feelings can get hurt. Then hurt feelings can turn to bitterness.  Bitterness is like a coal which can linger and later start a heated disagreements. Choosing to delay a discussion to be a friend and asking God for wisdom and the right words and time to say them is better than to satisfy our desire to express our disagreement.

Over Coming Self-Pity

It is difficult to relate to and help a person who has a problem with self-pity.  First they may very well have had something happen to them that hurt them and our first response is to sympathize.  However, when a person doesn’t get over a hurt that happen long ago and they are still rationalizing and justifying lashing out; then to sympathize only perpetuates the problem of self-pity.  At some point a person has to end their victim mentality and take responsibility for their own behavior.

Knowing how to help someone take responsibility for getting over some hurt is key to helping a person who indulges in self-pity.  One noted author said, "A sign of wisdom and maturity is when you come to terms with the realization that your decisions cause your rewards and consequences. You are responsible for your life, and your ultimate success depends on the choices you make. – Denis Waitley, author and coach.

Those words of wisdom are hard for a person plagued with self-pity because in many areas of their life they could be very responsible but in the areas of their life associated with a grudge they are not. So how do you get them to face the fact they need to take responsibility to get over the hurts of the past?

One way is to help them is to realize, “There is an expiration date on blaming your parents (or anyone else) for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.” ― J.K. Rowling. At some point in time a person has to make a decision to not allow what happened to have power over them for the rest of their life, they must take responsibility to take away the power from what is making their life miserable.

So how do you take responsibility and take away the power of a bad memory that keeps a person crippled and weak?  “The power behind taking responsibility for your actions lies in putting an end to negative thought patterns. You no longer dwell on what went wrong or focus on whom you are going to blame. You don't waste time building roadblocks to your success. Instead, you are set free and can now focus on succeeding.” ― Lori Myers. To get free, “Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others,” said the wise man Confucius.  

The power of forgiving those who hurt you is the best way to attack and destroy the evil powers of resentment, anger, jealousy, envy, and bitterness that sabotage happiness. You must resist the natural tendency to think the person who hurt you caused all your problems and they have to be held accountable.  As Theodore Roosevelt said, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.” There is no trouble  caused by others that is near as powerful as the trouble we cause ourselves by reacting the wrong way.  No amount of incrimination and exacting a pound of flesh will ever have the power to mend a wounded heart, only by forgiving, and doing  good to the very ones who hurt you is a wounded heart healed.

Also help them to realize things go wrong in life for everyone and none us deserves happiness.  Instead of indulging in self-pity which only leads to loneliness, despair, and depression; be thankful for what you have and what you can do.  We all must work to earn what we have; whether that be material, emotional, or spiritual well being there is no free ride. we all have common everyday occurrences and forces that come our way that can make us unhappy or happy. It is not the occurrence and forces themselves but taking the responsibility to have a good attitude and choosing how we will respond that determine our happiness.

 If past events trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt, jealousy, resentment, or any other negative feeling don't let them have power over you.  Break their power and make them let go each and every time by forgiving all who have trespassed against you, doing good to those who mistreated you and praying for those who hurt you.  It is the only way to break their power, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus said unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but until seventy times seven." If that be true for today it is true for the past and each and every day to come.

 

Self-pity is a destroyer and is to be resisted at every turn.  Once one is poisoned by self-pity it can become a constant temptation eating away at your soul.  What are the common every day misunderstanding, under appreciations, unfair treatments of life turns into a suspicion that someone is out to get me. It examines all perceived mistreatment with the magnifying power of a telescope but then turns the telescope around when it looks at its own ehavior or the needs of another.  There is no capacity to even temporarily suspend their selfishness to focus their energy to serve someone who truly is in need.

To everyone else not poisoned by self-pity, self-pity is an ugly cesspool of anger, bitterness, and hatred.  But to the person who has been poisoned self-pity is a seductive addictive poison.  The sirens of jealousy, envy and past memories of hurt seduce them to sip the poison again and again.

The tendency and propensity to feel sorry for yourself because you are not getting what you think you deserve is what drives self-pity. The person infected with it assumes they are entitled to better treatment than they have received.  What is at the heart of self-pity is self-centeredness and pride.

Self-pity by pride and self-centeredness kicks God off His throne and boldly proclaims I deserve to sit there, failing to realize that God has made them from nothing, and breathed life into their soul. He gave His Son for them. They have no “rights.” All is a gift.  They belong to the Creator.  Even if He were evil, resenting Him would be utter stupidity since he is the potter and they are the clay.

Self-pity is always preceded by envy and jealousy. “I want what you have” is envy. It can also express itself with resentment because “I deserve what you have.” And Jealousy is the unfounded fear that “You might take what I have.” Cain envied Abel. He should have rejoiced in his brother’s acceptable sacrifice but instead he felt that he deserved the approval that Abel was getting. He refused to do what is brother did and then in his anger and self-pity he plotted, then killed his brother (Gen. 4:5-8).

Anger gives voice to self-pity.  Deploring bitterly the good or better treatment that someone else receives.  They want what others are getting but since they aren’t anger erupts. It rains down its ugly debris on all those close by—family members, friends, and associates it matter little to them. A bitter and unforgiving heart assures that self-pity will not only continue to live but will grow like a malignant cancer..

Meditate on this all who are infected by the poison of self-pity. When Jesus predicted His own suffering and death, Satan spoke through Peter and said, “Far be it from You, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” Jesus could have said, “You’re right. This is a raw deal. I can’t believe the Father is doing this to me. After all, I’m the sinless Son of God.” But Jesus did not say that. Instead, He turn and ordered Satan to get away from Him and then said to the man Peter you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Matt.16:22-23.  This is why we are all commanded to follow His example.  “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in the nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross! Philippians 2:5-8.

Next up, how to overcome self-pity.

Agape Love

 

Agape love is God's kind of love. Jesus was the greatest expression of love that ever came into the world, but it is never recorded that he ever said the words, "I love you!" Why? Because he sought the welfare and betterment of all of mankind regardless of how he felt. Agape does not have the primary meaning of feelings or affection. Jesus didn’t get up that morning on the day that he died and say, “I feel like dying for the world.”  It is recorded in the gospels just hours before he gave his life that he prayed, "Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt" His agape love to do His Fathers will was stronger  than his feelings for himself.  His actions were independent in that he loved even when he knew mankind would not respond as he would want.  It is self-giving in meeting real needs of the other with the purpose of helping the person to become a better, more mature individual.  We can agape our enemies regardless of how we feel. If they are hungry, we can feed them; if they thirst we can give them a drink (Rom. 12:20-21). We can choose to seek the betterment and welfare of others regardless of how we feel.  Why? Because 95 percent of all love is non-verbal. Jesus did not love with just words but in deeds and truth (1 Jn. 3:18). If your actions contradict your words, what are people going to believe, your words or your actions? Your actions of course. Vine's Expository Dictionary states, "Love can be known only from the actions it prompts"

This is the kind of love that sustains marriage.  There will be times when you are married when you will not have Eros love or even Phileo Love but you can always have Agape love because it is a choice of how you will behave. I cannot tell you the number of times my wife has told me, “I don’t like your right now but I love you.” And because she had Agape love it sustain Eros and Phileo love.  Agape love takes the initiative and energizes the other two kinds of love.

1Co 13:4-8, “Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail. Love is eternal. There are inspired messages, but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass

Phileo Love

Phileo love is when a friend loves a friend and there is no associated romantic feeling between the two parties. Sometimes, it is referred to as brotherly love. Phileo love means reciprocal sharing of time, activities, the home, hobbies, games, and other objects of common fellowship. It is delighting to be in the presence of another, a warm feeling that comes and goes with intensity. The Bible encourages it but it is never a direct command. God never commands phileo since this type of love is based on feelings. This type of love is an important part of marriage and enriches it but it alone cannot sustain it.

Rom 12:9-13 Love must be completely sincere. Hate what is evil, hold on to what is good.  Love one another warmly as Christians, and be eager to show respect for one another.  Work hard and do not be lazy. Serve the Lord with a heart full of devotion.  Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times. Share your belongings with your needy fellow Christians, and open your homes to strangers.

Up next Agape love

Our English language only has one word for love.  We say we love chocolate and then use the same word to describe our devotion for our spouse when it is obvious we do not equate the two.  The Greeks on the other hand had different words to describe love.  One of those words was Eros.

This is need love. It is based upon physical attraction and used to describe intimate love or romantic love. Salomon advises us to focus and reserve this type of love exclusively for our spouse.

Proverbs 5:15-19-Drink waters out of your own cistern, and running waters out of your own well. Should your overflowing springs be scattered outside, like rivers of waters in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not to strangers with you; let your fountains be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth; she is a loving deer, a graceful doe; let her breasts satisfy you every time, and always be ravished in her love.

This love is necessary for marriage to succeed however, marriage cannot be sustained by Eros alone.  Tomorrow Phileo Love

A WOUNDED SPIRIT

I am sure most all of us have had situations where we have seen someone fall or have some type of accident that struck us as funny only to have the person say to us “That wasn’t funny.” I recently ran across some stories of people who when explaining what happen most likely heard someone laugh at what they said and who may have thought, “That wasn’t funny,” Here are a couple:

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

Well what happen may not have been funny but the way they told it was. While I wish I could do that with our topic it is too serious to try and treat in a light heart way. What I am talking about is a wounded spirit.

Solomon said, "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?" Proverbs 18:14. The same Hebrew word is translated broken in Proverbs 17:22, where we read, "...a broken spirit drieth the bones." The Hebrew word literally means "stricken." In both verses the NIV says "a crushed spirit." While it does not say that a wounded spirit can’t be borne it certainly indicates it is a difficult thing to do. I would like to notice with you what is a wounded spirit, how can you tell if someone has a wounded spirit, how our spirit can become wounded, and the healing of a wounded spirit.

WHAT IS A WOUNDED SPIRIT?

The Bible describes a wounded spirit as particularly painful wound. There are several ways the pain is described by the Bible and all of them indicate it is something that is painful and difficult to deal with. Proverbs 18:14, “The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?” Here the scripture says a wounded spirit is more difficult to endure than physical sickness. Physical sickness can be sustained by a healthy spirit but a wounded spirit is difficult to sustain. I say sustain because the word bear in this verse means sustain or endure. Proverbs 17:22, “a broken spirit drieth the bones.” One translation says, “A broken spirit saps ones strength.” Referring to the wounds inflicted upon the spirit by a talebearer Proverbs 18:8, “The words of a talebearer [are] as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly”. If I can paraphrase this verse I would say, “When someone says something bad about you and you find out what they said it’s like being punched in the stomach.” What I understand Solomon to mean is a person with a strong spirit can endure a great deal even a serve illness but when a person’s spirit is wounded or broken it can have a traumatic and devastating effect upon them.

Let me illustrate this by comparing a spiritual wound to a physical wound. We know if we don’t clean a physical wound and apply an antibiotic and bandage it that it can become infected. The same is true of a wound to the spirit if it is not treated properly it too can become infected.

A normal response to a wound to our spirit is to become angry. However, if we don’t deal with anger correctly that wound can become infected and turn into bitterness. Bitterness is very dangerous to our Spirit, we are warn in Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” If left untreated bitterness can fester into resentment, or brooding indignation. Eventually the resentment can turn into the poison of hate.

But the additional danger of an infected spiritual wound is it can be transmitted to others. The word, “defile” means to, “Dye with another color, to stain.” The idea as I understand is if hatred infects ones Spirit it can spread. Paul describes this spreading infection as destructive infighting. Paul said in Gal. 5:15, “But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.” When a person’s becomes injured or wounded it can setup a situation where retaliation seems justified. Should they retaliates then the person who is retaliated against feels they are justified if they retaliate. What you have is a situation which Paul describes as animals fighting with each other and the winner devours those that it kills.

A wound to the spirit can affect us emotionally. Proverbs 17:22, “A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Psalms 102:4, “My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.” When it says a broken spirit drieth the bones it is saying it saps a person’s strength, and my heart is smitten and withered like grass is talking about being depressed. This type of infection if not treated could become so severe that it could possibly even lead to suicide.

A wound to our spirit can even affect us physically. Proverbs 15:13, “by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” Chang and Eng Bunker, the original Siamese Twins lived a fairly prosperous life by running a plantation and exhibitions. One day Chang died while he and his brother were sleeping; when Eng awoke, he was consumed with grief, wrapped himself around his brother and refused to the let the surgeons separate the two them, and died three hours later. It was reported later he said, “He’s my brother. We’ve been together from before we were born. I simply won’t live without him.” It is not uncommon when one spouse dies that the other spouse dies a short time later. Johnny Cash died three months after his wife died.

The weapon that wounds the spirit the most is the tounge.  From it come the words that cut deep into ones spirit and cause a wound that can affect us physically, emotionally, and spiritually.